Letters
by steph84
Summary: This has been previously published under the same title but I took some advice and expanded upon it...did you ever wonder what Remus Lupin was ripping up and throwing in the fire at the end of POA?
1. Prologue

There were so many of them that he didn't know where to start. Some of them had been written recently, most of them had been written in the past. Many were worn at the edges of the parchment and turning a distinct yellow color with the age. He glanced over each one before he put it back on the desk. His eyes scanned the pile he was keeping and it seemed to grow bigger and bigger until he sighed with impatience. He would start all over again, hopefully eliminating some of them this time around.  
  
Having just resigned from his job as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Remus Lupin decided to sort through his belongings before packing and leaving the school. The office was cluttered with little bits and scraps everywhere but the part that took up the most room was the letters he had written, both long ago and recently, to an old flame. No, she was more than an old flame; she was the love of his life. He had loved Kat Lawson ever since the first day that they met. And he didn't just love her in the falsified way some couples 'loved' each other. He really loved her; he loved the way she would smile at him and the way it made him feel. He loved the way she would touch his arm gently. He loved the electrifying touch she gave him every time he went near her. But most of all, he loved her compassionate nature, the nature that inspired him to be a little more lenient with his condition. Closing his eyes, he recalled the day he had first met Kat Lawson... 


	2. Kat Lawson

He was so excited that he could barely sit still; he was going back to Hogwarts! The one place where he had found true friendship and acceptance. The one place he never thought he would ever be able to go. The one place he could call home. Searching the train for his friends, he found them in the very last compartment, talking about their upcoming seventh year.  
  
"I've heard that they turn you into a troll if you don't pass your NEWTs," Sirius Black said, flipping his long black hair out of his eyes. Peter Pettigrew cried out in despair across from Sirius, who grinned at the response. The chatter stopped, however, when Remus entered the compartment.  
  
"Moony, old friend!" Sirius greeted, standing to meet Remus' height. "How was your summer? Any exciting news?"  
  
Remus shook his head and smiled to greet Peter. "None whatsoever. Yourself?"  
  
"Oh, you know, had a few dates, bombed on all of them," Sirius replied with a shrug. "The usual. So," he added quickly, hopping to another subject and sitting back down, "are you ready for our seventh and final year?"  
  
He nodded enthusiastically. How could he tell Sirius that he had been looking forward to this day for the past eight weeks, impatiently counting the minutes until he was back on the scarlet train that would whisk him back to his true home? It almost seemed impossible to put into words. "I'm not looking forward to NEWTs," he commented, before looking around the compartment. "We seem to be missing James," he said slowly. "Any idea where he might be?"  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. "With his new girlfriend," he practically pouted. "Our seventh year finally arrives and Prongs takes off to be with his new love."  
  
"Girlfriend?" This was the first Remus had heard about it. James had tried, unsuccessfully, to date several girls in the school but none of them seemed to be interested in him at all. Remus suspected it was the fact that James was so full of himself it was hard to keep his feet on the ground, but he always figured someone out there would see him differently.  
  
"Lily Evans," Sirius answered. "I know," he continued seeing Remus' look of utter shock and surprise. "Wormtail and I thought they hated each other, too. But as it turns out, one of them matured over the summer. Couldn't be Prongs, of course. He's always been mature." This last comment was said with the utmost sarcasm one being could muster and Remus couldn't help but laugh at his friend's disgruntled expression.  
  
"I'm sure he'll come around," he assured Sirius. "Besides, Lily will get sick of him soon enough. She's always been the one to tell him he's too conceited for his own good. I'm sure her temporary insanity will wear off soon." He sat down beside Sirius and leaned back in the seat. Peter, who had been silent so far, leaned towards the window and looked up at the sky.  
  
"Full moon just passed two nights ago," he said quietly. Remus gave him a blank look.  
  
"Really?" he asked, pretending to look thoughtful. "So that's what that transformation into a werewolf was all about; here I was, thinking I had a problem or something."  
  
Sirius burst into laughter just as James entered the compartment, a pretty redheaded girl attached to his hand. "What's so funny?" he asked, looking mildly offended. "Something I said?"  
  
Sirius' smile faded and he glared at his friend. "How could it be?" he said with obvious distaste. "You just got here."  
  
James ignored Sirius' attitude. "You all know Lily Evans," he reminded them, pulling her further into the compartment. Remus felt he was the only one smiling at her.  
  
"You were in my Charms class," he refreshed her memory. "You were excellent at mobile charms."  
  
Lily beamed. "Thanks," she replied. "What's your name again?"  
  
James intervened. "Sorry, Lily," he offered. "This is Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew." He waved his hand around the compartment and everyone but Sirius smiled or waved. It became apparent that Lily noticed this and she backed away slowly.  
  
"I think I'll go back and sit with Kat," she said, squeezing James' hand before she left. "I'll see you when we get to the school." She was gone before James could protest and he flopped down heavily in the seat beside Peter.  
  
"Damn you," he cursed at Sirius, fingering his wand in his pocket. "Why couldn't you be polite like these two?" He jerked his thumbs in the directions of Peter and Remus. "Then maybe you wouldn't scare my girlfriend away."  
  
Sirius said nothing. He just stared out the window with a pout as the rain bounced off the glass and struck the ground below them. There was a lull in the conversation in which Remus pretended to be examining his fingernails. It wasn't long before Sirius spouted off, "Sorry, mate."  
  
"S'alright," James replied, dismissing the subject with a wave of his hand. "I just want you guys to know," he continued, "that nothing will change between us four. Just because Lily and I are dating doesn't mean I'm going to neglect you three."  
  
Sirius didn't say a word, which Remus thought was extremely tactful. Instead, he continued to stare out the window, but his face looked somewhat lighter with the prospect of James' promise.  
  
The Hogwarts Express rolled into Hogsmeade station just as the rain was letting up. Drops still fell from the sky but at less frequent intervals than they did while on the train. James hurried to snatch a carriage for his friends and they rode up to the school, chattering about who would win the Quidditch cup this year, what NEWTs were going to be like and if they were going to have nearly as much homework as they did during their OWL year.  
  
"I hope not," Sirius claimed as the carriage slowed to a stop outside the front doors of Hogwarts. "That was brutal; if I have to go through that again, I just might become a murderer." He pretended to strangle Peter, who squealed in discomfort.  
  
"That's because you don't do your homework," James reminded him. Sirius mocked looking thoughtful for a moment.  
  
"Oh, yeah," he finally said.  
  
The school castle looked fabulous as always and just inside the Great Hall, Lily Evans and a girl Remus had only seen but never been introduced to were waiting. "I thought you had gotten lost!" Lily cried when James entered the Great Hall. "Want to sit with Kat and me?"  
  
James suddenly looked very embarrassed. "Um, I think I'll sit with my friends tonight." Sirius looked immensely proud by this fact, but Lily only shrugged and smiled.  
  
"Okay, I'll see you after dinner then," she said, leading her friend away. The friend smiled and bid goodbye to James, but Remus couldn't help but stare at her. She was beautiful in every sense of the word. Her long auburn hair came just above the small of her back and her eyes were a clear, crystal blue that reminded Remus of the ocean in faraway places like Cuba. She was easily an inch or so shorter than him, but had the lean body of a dancer and the proud look of an entertainer. He watched her walk away and heard someone behind him clear their throat.  
  
"Interested?" James was grinning when Remus turned to face him.  
  
"In what?" he replied, trying to look innocent.  
  
James' grin grew even wider. "Drop the innocence act," he scolded ruefully. "I saw you looking at Kat."  
  
"Who?"  
  
James rolled his eyes. "Kat Lawson, Lily's friend. She's in Gryffindor with us. Don't tell me you haven't seen her before."  
  
Remus knew he had seen Kat Lawson before but her beauty never struck him as much as it did now. He watched her sit beside Lily on the bench at the Gryffindor table and admired the splendor that surrounded her. She looked like one of those people that were just wonderful in every way...but he couldn't get involved with her. Having a girlfriend at this time was out of the question for him. He couldn't endanger her every month and besides, what girl would love a guy who became a werewolf during the full moon?  
  
"Not interested," Remus replied to James' earlier question. "Just admiring." He sat down beside Peter on the bench at the opposite end of the table from Lily and Kat, but kept watching her throughout the meal. If only he could live a normal life, then maybe a girl like Kat Lawson would be able to love him. But until then, he was doomed to lead a tragic love life. 


	3. Hogsmeade

Disclaimer: I forgot to add that the only character I own is Kat Lawson. All others belong to J.K. Rowling.  
  
The first month of school went by like a breeze in the summer air and before Remus knew it, the Hogsmeade Halloween visit was coming up. "It won't be on Halloween this year," Sirius reported after reading a poster on the notice board. "They've moved it to the day before."  
  
"Pity," Remus chimed in. Personally, he loved the tiny village of Hogsmeade on Halloween; the air was filled with festivities and decorations were visible on every corner and shop. "I assume that the village will be just as wonderful the day before Halloween as it is on Halloween," he said, looking on the bright side of things. Sirius just scowled.  
  
James and Lily came by shortly after, with Kat Lawson in tow. Lily blanched when she saw Remus staring at Kat. "Oh! I completely forgot to introduce you guys!" she cried. "Kat, this is Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black. Guys, this is Kat Lawson."  
  
Remus saw Sirius' eyes light up as he stood up to greet Kat. "Charmed, milady" he said and Kat giggled.  
  
"Nice act," she informed him. "Does it ever work?"  
  
Rejected, Sirius slumped down in his seat again. "Not usually," he admitted. Glancing at Remus, he waited until Kat had turned her head and then he raised his eyebrows questioningly. Remus shook his head, but Sirius shook his own head in response, his black hair hitting him in the face. "Me," he mouthed, pointing to Kat and then to himself. It suddenly dawned on Remus that Sirius took an interest in Kat as well. Deciding to leave things alone, he smiled at his friend and nodded slightly.  
  
"Get a room you two," Peter spoke up and it knocked Remus out of his thoughts. Looking over to Lily and James, he saw that they were holding hands, their faces very close together. Upon Peter's intervention, they had split apart, but not far enough to please Sirius. He was now scowling with a look of contempt in his eyes. Once again, however, he appeared to be fighting the urge to say something nasty.  
  
"Ready for Hogsmeade?" he spoke up loudly, staring hard at James. "We have lots of plans: I need to get to Zonko's again so I can stock up on my joke supplies. Then we'll head off to Honeydukes and..." His voice trailed off as he noticed James' eyes avoiding his own. "What?" he demanded.  
  
"Well, Lily and I sort of agreed to go together," James answered, unable to meet Sirius' glance.  
  
"You're more than welcome to join us," Lily said quickly, glancing around at all of them. "The more, the merrier!"  
  
Sirius continued to glare but Remus nodded his head. "Sounds absolutely delightful," he said in a false voice to regain a bit of humor in the situation. The only person who laughed was Kat and it was then that Remus realized she didn't care what people thought of her. She continued to grin broadly at him as Sirius vied for her attention.  
  
"We're all close friends," he chattered aimlessly, gesturing to himself, James, Peter and Remus. "Have been since first year and I'm sure we always will be." His voice began to falter when he noticed that Kat was only nodding vaguely to acknowledge what Sirius was saying. "Yep, real close friends," he said, his voice louder this time to override all the other voices in the room. "In fact, every thirty days, we all run around as—OW!"  
  
Remus had accidentally-on purpose jammed his own foot onto Sirius' to avoid him revealing their secret. "As idiots," he finished for Sirius. He saw Sirius give him a furtive glance out of the corner of his eyes but Remus waited until Kat and Lily had departed before letting Sirius have it.  
  
"You can't tell her that!" he cried in a hushed voice. "That's between us four!"  
  
"And Lily," Sirius replied stoutly. "James told her."  
  
James held up his hands in protest. "Remus said I could!" he argued.  
  
Remus shook his head. "That's not the point. I trust Lily; she's a good girl."  
  
"And Kat isn't?" Peter piped up. An extensive grin spread across Sirius' handsome face.  
  
"I'd like to find out," he said. James looked at his friend in surprise, with a small smile playing the corner of his lips.  
  
"Oh?" he said. "Do I detect a crush?"  
  
Sirius let out a barking laugh. "More like mad love," he retorted. "She's gorgeous! I can't believe I didn't notice her before."  
  
James went back to flipping through his magazine. "That's because you're so self-absorbed," he said and Sirius began hitting him with a rolled up newspaper. Remus, however, sat quietly, contemplating the life Sirius had. Out on his own at seventeen, he lived by his own rules and took life by the reins. He controlled his every waking move and Remus couldn't have been more jealous. How nice it must be to have a chance with Kat Lawson.  
  
On the morning of the thirtieth of October, Remus joined his friends outside the Gryffindor common room. "We have to wait for Lily!" James called when Sirius began leading the group towards the entrance to the castle. Rolling his eyes and tapping his foot impatiently, Sirius leaned up against the wall and glared at the Gryffindor tower portrait.  
  
Ten minutes later, Lily and Kat burst through the open portrait giggling like mad. They stopped when they saw the boys and Lily hurried to take James' arm. "Hi, guys," she greeted. Remus was pleased to see that Sirius had the manners to smile and greet her back.  
  
"Hello," Kat welcomed quietly as she approached Remus and began walking beside him. "How are you doing?"  
  
"Just fine," Remus replied. "And yourself?"  
  
But before she got a chance to answer, Sirius jumped in between them and said, "You must be doing fine, Kat, because you certainly look that way."  
  
Kat grinned, but made the point of saying, "That's pretty lame, Sirius."  
  
"Could be worse," he replied, draping his arm over Kat's shoulders. They continued like that all the way to the village where Sirius suddenly broke into a run and made a mad dash for Zonko's. "Best products are mine!" he cried in victory, raising his fist in the air and letting the door close behind him. To the right, Lily and James trailed off together, heading towards the picnic area that was set up for students of Hogwarts. Peter began drifting towards the shack on the other end of the village and Kat sat down on a bench outside of the Three Broomsticks.  
  
"You can sit down," she offered to Remus. "I won't bite."  
  
He ignored the irony and sat beside her tentatively. She was like the sun: as long as he didn't look directly at her, he was certain he would be alright. He couldn't risk getting close to her, as much as it pained him to realize that. He wanted to hold her hand, stroke it softly and whisper gently in her ear. He wanted to inform her of all the wonderful feelings she stirred in him and how just her presence made him feel better about himself. But he kept these thoughts to himself as he stared out at the rest of the students filling the village.  
  
"So are you glad this is our last year?" Kat asked. Remus fought turning to face her, but figured that he wouldn't be able to avoid looking at her the entire trip. He twisted his entire body around to face her and stared at her sparkling, crystal eyes.  
  
"I'm going to miss Hogwarts," he blurted out forcefully. She only smiled. "I mean, it's the only place I feel I've ever found acceptance. Professor Dumbledore is such a great man and I've found the best friends anyone could ever hope for." He relaxed a little, surprised at how easy it was to talk to her. "James is a joker, that's for sure, but he means well. Peter's a little quiet and he doesn't really fit in with our group, but he can be good company. Sirius is a little overrated in the eyes of the school. He really is a great guy but he, too, can get carried away sometimes."  
  
"He certainly doesn't seem to like Lily," Kat said but her voice and her face were still kind.  
  
"He means well, too," Remus replied, looking at the ground. "He just doesn't want to lose one of his best friends, that's all. It's nothing personal against Lily, or you for that matter. It's just the way he is."  
  
Kat's smile seemed to have frozen. "I never dreamt it would have anything to do with me," she said, staring out at the village. "I've no problems with Sirius; he seems like a good guy from what I know."  
  
Remus wanted to ask, "What about me? What do you think of me?" but he felt it would be rude and insensitive. Instead he brought up the subject of post-Hogwarts and was surprised to learn that Kat, much like himself, was interested in becoming an Auror.  
  
"I have the marks for it," she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Professor McGonagall says I could make it all the way, as long as I keep my mind to it." She grinned softly. "That's where my failing is."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sticking with it." She looked up at the sky, squinting into the sun. "I tend to start something and then completely change my way half way through. It isn't as bad when I'm working with Lily or somebody else because they're able to direct my attention to the right topics and keep me grounded. But Auror work is a lot of independent work and I'm afraid that I would get too distracted too easily."  
  
"I have the grades," Remus said slowly, "and I believe I have the attitude. There's just one thing standing in my way." His mind was back in the shack of Hogsmeade, wandering with his wolf being. How he longed to be accepted for a person, a regular person of the wizarding community. Yet he knew any background checks on him would reveal his dark secret and flatten any hopes he had of becoming an Auror. Aurors were supposed to fight dark creatures, not be one.  
  
"What's standing in your way?" Kat asked softly and for the briefest of seconds, Remus had the impulse to reveal everything to Kat. Her eyes, her face; they were so understanding. The way she stared at him made him feel a comfort never before experienced. He could tell her now and then maybe that would give her time to think about it after she got through running from him, and see that as a person, he wasn't a bad guy.  
  
"You'll never believe what I got!" Sirius cried, rushing up behind them. Remus let out a small sigh of relief; he couldn't believe he had almost told Kat the entire story—was he insane?  
  
"What did you get?" he asked Sirius, peering in the bag that Sirius held in his hand. "Anything that might interest me?"  
  
Sirius produced a tiny trunk, no bigger than the palm of his hand, which he placed on Remus' hand. "This is kind of cool," he admitted, snapping the fingers on his free hand. The lid on the little trunk opened and a silvery-white orb popped out of the trunk, covered in misty clouds. Remus couldn't close his hand fast enough as he feigned a grin.  
  
"A miniscule Boggart," he said. "How cool."  
  
"It's for you, mate," Sirius said grandly. "I thought you would like it, seeing as you're interested in fighting the dark arts and all."  
  
Kat smiled. "A crystal ball scares you the most?" she asked, but her voice was not malicious, nor was it teasing. "I don't blame you," were the next words out of her mouth. "Professor Irwin scares me, too. I really doubt she can predict tomorrow's weather, let alone someone's future."  
  
Remus smiled tightly and decided not to comment. He watched in silence as Sirius handed Kat a handful of daisies, which kept dying and then growing to full health again while in her hands. Remus knew it was a desperate attempt of Sirius' to win Kat over and he longed to tell his friend that he needed not worry. There was no chance of anything happening between Kat and Remus; things were strictly platonic and Remus was grateful for that.  
  
The rest of the trip went rather quickly, seeing as they had lost Peter, James and Lily for the day. James and Lily returned towards the end of the trip, both looking rather content. Sirius spent the remainder of the day trying to win over Kat's attention. She had thanked him repeatedly for the Zonko's gift, but seemed to want to avoid his lavishing affection. Remus found it rather immature that Sirius kept chasing her around like a five-year old boy but he kept his thoughts to himself and only smiled when Sirius asked whether or not Remus thought Kat liked him.  
  
"She's really pretty," Sirius said, smiling fondly at Kat, who was talking to Lily on the way back to the castle. "I really hope she likes me; I think I could really settle down with a girl like her."  
  
Remus felt an incredibly tug of guilt at this phrase. Never before had Sirius expressed this much genuine interest in a girl and Remus felt horrible for being the type of friend he was being. He made a promise to himself never to reveal to Sirius how much he fancied Kat himself. 


	4. Mounting Tension

November arrived with windy weather conditions and the Quidditch matches were postponed until a later date, when conditions weren't so hazardous. James spent much of his time moping around the Gryffindor common room, with Lily at his side trying to console him.  
  
"Don't worry; I'm sure the weather will lighten up soon. Besides, it's only a game."  
  
Sirius looked up sharply from his game of wizard's chess with Remus. "Just a game?" he asked. "Quidditch is just a game?" He shook his head ruefully. "Muggle-borns," he scoffed, causing Lily to stick her tongue out at him.  
  
Snow began to fall towards the middle of November and everyone began discussing their plans for the Christmas holidays. Lily was going home to her parents' house where she claimed her evil sister lived. Sirius often requested to meet this sister and Lily granted his request by offering to bring him home with her for the holidays. It seemed as though it were a peace offering and before long, Lily had also invited James, Remus, Peter and Kat.  
  
Peter was the only one who declined. "My parents want me home this vacation," he said in his squeaky little voice. Sirius chose to ignore this comment and sat back on the chair in front of the fireplace, his arm around Kat's shoulders.  
  
"Wimp," he said under his breath. If Peter heard, he didn't say anything. Sirius grinned at his accomplishment of insulting someone and getting away with it and he snuggled even closer to Kat's side. Remus hadn't gotten up the courage to ask Sirius was exactly was going on between him and Kat. It was obvious that they were close but how close, Remus wasn't sure he wanted to know.  
  
He got the chance to talk to Kat, however, shortly before Christmas vacation started. She was walking toward the library, her arms full of books, and Remus hurried to help her out. "Thanks," she said, smiling gratefully as he held the library door open for her. She dumped the books on the nearest table and turned to face him. "So you're going to the Evans' for Christmas, are you?"  
  
He nodded. "Yeah. Are you?"  
  
She stared at him for a moment. "Yeah, I am." She sighed heavily. "I don't know what Lily would do without me. Possibly fade into non- existence." Kat smiled to herself and pulled out a chair. "Have a seat," she said, waving her wand at the nearest chair. It pulled itself out from underneath the table and Remus sat down slowly. The full moon had just passed and he was feeling the aftermath of his transformation. Everything ached, down to the pockets on his robes, but he tried not to show it.  
  
"Excited for the holidays?" she asked, scrutinizing him as though she could see past his façade to his pain.  
  
"Of course." He nodded his head. "It's nice that we'll all be together this year. Usually Sirius stays at school but James goes home, as does Peter. James invited us every year but Sirius and I always stayed at Hogwarts."  
  
"Why are you going now?" Kat began opening her books and scattering them across the table so she had a good view of the inside pages of each. Flipping through the pages of the nearest one, she opened her notebook and began taking notes on how to make a Calming Draught.  
  
Remus shrugged, unable to admit the fact that he just wanted to get to know Kat better. "Something different," he answered, turning his head away but feeling her continued gaze on him.  
  
"Why don't you go to your home for Christmas, Remus?"  
  
Something about the way she said his name sent a thrill down his spine. He actually shuddered at the flow of emotions and struggled to keep his mind steady. "My parents have been a little...peaky these past few years," he said truthfully. "Things are different in my house, changed, and I guess I remind them of those differences. It's not that they don't want to see me," he added hurriedly, seeing the look of panic on Kat's pretty face. "It's just there's so much going on that I'm not even going to begin to explain it and I'll stop rambling now." He smiled sheepishly and Kat smiled in return.  
  
"I don't mind listening," she encouraged him. "Just don't feel like I'm ignoring you if I do my homework as well." She shook her head, put down her quill and rubbed her eyes. "There's so much work to do and I'm so tired."  
  
"I could help you if you'd like," Remus approached. "I'm pretty good in Potions, if I do say so myself."  
  
Kat's eyes lit up briefly but she shook her head. "There's only one day left until Christmas break; I don't want you to waste it, withering away in the library with me," she told him. "Go out with your friends; have fun! You're only young once." She gave him one more smile and turned back to her books.  
  
As he left the library, trying to avoid limping in her presence, he thought of ways he could double back and tell her that he only wanted to be with her, to sit and listen to her gorgeous voice. He wanted to look into her crystal blue eyes all day and stroke her lovely auburn hair. But when he looked back, Kat was deeply involved in her notes and he left for the Gryffindor common room, not sure of where else to go.  
  
As plans would have it, Lily, James, Remus, Kat and Sirius would take the Hogwarts Express to King's Cross for the beginning of Christmas holidays and Lily's parents would pick them up there. "I have to warn you," Lily began as the train pulled into the station, "that my sister is a little eccentric. She seems to think that being magical is a bad thing." Collecting her things, Lily led the way off the train and paused on the platform to look around for her parents. "Oh, good," she muttered when she saw them. "Petunia's not there."  
  
Sirius glanced at Remus and mouthed, "Petunia?" Remus felt it hard to suppress a giggle, but Kat who had seen the motion as well, laughed aloud. Lily turned to see what the commotion was about and then turned back to her beaming parents.  
  
"Mum, Dad," she introduced, "this is Sirius Black and Remus Lupin and you know Kat, of course." Kat shook hands with the Evans'. "And this," Lily continued, swinging James forward forcibly, "is James Potter."  
  
Mrs. Evans grasped everyone's hand in turn. "So nice to meet you all," she said softly and it was clear where Lily got her red hair from. The green eyes, however, came from her father who was taller than any man Remus had ever seen.  
  
"Let's get you kids loaded into the car," he boomed in a cheerful voice, leading them through the packs of people to the lot where Mr. and Mrs. Evans, Lily and Kat climbed into the front of the car. James, Remus and Sirius squeezed into the back and James cried out in pain as he slammed the car door on his foot.  
  
"Damn," he muttered under his breath and Sirius began howling with laughter. The jovial moods lasted through the entire trip as Mr. and Mrs. Evans pummeled Lily with questions about school and Sirius annoyed Kat the whole way to the house.  
  
"Diddly-dee, diddly-dee," he sang, tapping her on the head to the rhythm. Kat kept turning around to make rude hand gestures, her pretty face never frowning, but by the time they reached the Evans' house, Kat looked as though she was ready to beat Sirius into the ground.  
  
The freshly fallen snow left the Evans' house looking like the front of a Christmas card. When Sirius got out of the car to stretch his legs, Remus saw Kat dart around to the other side of the car and disappear for a second. When she returned to his view, he saw that she was hiding a rather large pile of snow in her hands. Grinning, Remus decided he wanted to be as far away as he could be from Sirius when this happened.  
  
Kat threw her arm around Sirius' shoulder. "What do you say you and I share a room?" she joked. Sirius' eyes lit up.  
  
"All right!" he cheered, his face turning sour when Kat dumped the entire handful of snow down the back of his shirt.  
  
"Diddly-dee!" she cried, hurrying into the house. "Diddly-dee!"  
  
"She is so dead," Sirius cursed, flicking the back of his shirt so that the snow continued to drip out of it. James howled with laughter at Kat's little joke and Remus couldn't help but smile.  
  
"I think she's very much alive, Sirius," he advised. "She's still walking and talking, isn't she?"  
  
Sirius growled. "She won't be for long," he muttered humbly before heading into the house after Kat.  
  
The Evans' house wasn't nearly as large as any house Remus had ever been in before but it had the kind warmth of one that was large in love. Dropping their wet jackets off at the door, they examined every inch of the lower floor until Lily directed everyone upstairs. "I know it's a Muggle house," she said almost apologetically, "but I grew up here so it has a special meaning to me." When they reached the second floor, Remus noticed a door ahead of them. "That's the attic," Lily said, noticing his staring. "Two of you will have to sleep up there because there's only one extra room and the extra bed in my room."  
  
"I claim your room!" James cried.  
  
"Kat and I will take the attic!" Sirius cried.  
  
Lily gave them all a sharp look. "Nice try," she said witheringly, "but Mum and Dad have already laid down the laws. Kat, you will stay in my room. James, you will stay in the spare room. Sirius and Remus, you two will take the attic."  
  
Sirius looked absolutely horrified at spending such a large amount of time away from Kat, but Kat didn't notice as she headed off to Lily's room. James looked equally put out, but Lily told him to behave and showed him to the spare room at the end of the hallway. "This door is kind of tricky," she advised Remus and Sirius when she returned. She kicked the bottom right corner of the attic door and it swung open slowly, creaking and groaning as though it were being disturbed.  
  
"It may seem scary at first," Lily warned as they advanced up the creaky old staircase to the third floor, "but really, it's not. There are no ghosts or any other creatures that we might endure in the wizarding world up here."  
  
Sirius snorted. "While we're on the topic of creatures," he muttered, "you should meet my mother. Scariest creature if there ever was one."  
  
Lily smiled as she tugged on the drapes in the corner of the attic. They sprung to life and rolled upwards, casting a dusty image of light into the otherwise dark room. Sirius coughed at the dust and complained, "Isn't there a lamp or light switch or something up here?"  
  
Lily clapped her hands twice and a light overhead turned on. "How's that for magic?" she asked, laughing at the two boys' amazement. "I'm heading back downstairs. Unpack and everything and come on down when you're ready." She disappeared off the landing and Remus set to unpacking his clothes immediately. Sirius, on the other hand, stretched out on his bed with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling.  
  
"I guess you wouldn't fancy switching spots with Kat at night, would you mate?" he questioned Remus. "No offense or anything but Kat's a girl, you know."  
  
"Really," Remus retorted sarcastically. "And I suppose Lily would like me invading her bedroom?"  
  
"Oh she won't be there," Sirius informed him. "She's planning on sneaking into James' room overnight. And Kat's going to come up here." He smiled at his plan and suddenly Remus couldn't stand it anymore.  
  
"What's going on between you two?" he asked, throwing down his trunk at the foot of his bed. "No one tells me anything anymore."  
  
Sirius just stared at him. "They don't tell you," he finally said, "because they're afraid you'll act like that." He gestured to the stance in which Remus had taken, with his arms crossed in front of his chest defiantly. "Anyway," he added, "what's it any of your business what Kat and I are doing? That's between us and the walls."  
  
"She's my friend," Remus said through gritted teeth, amazed at the anger that was coursing through his mind.  
  
"She's more than a friend to me," Sirius grinned.  
  
"I'll be downstairs," Remus said quickly, abandoning his trunk and going down the creaky steps. He kicked the corner of the door out of anger and it swung open, hitting the other side of the wall. He didn't know what made him feel so angry, but he suspected that it had to do with the fact that he felt Sirius was treating Kat like a prize. No one else could have her and truly respect or benefit from knowing her because she was Sirius Black's girlfriend.  
  
He ran into Kat half way down to the kitchen and she jumped with surprise. "You startled me!" she cried, clutching a hand to her chest.  
  
"Sorry," he apologized. "My mind's not exactly here at the moment."  
  
Kat had a funny glint in her eye but it didn't last for more than a moment. "I was just coming to tell you guys that Lily's mum has lunch ready for us," she said, turning to go back down the stairs. "But I think that's them coming now, isn't it?"  
  
Sure enough, three pairs of footsteps thumped down the stairs after Remus, their owners chattering about something. They stopped when they saw Remus and Lily gave him a guilty smile. "Ready to eat?" she asked him.  
  
He shook his head and jumped onto the landing. "I'm not really hungry," he lied. "I was thinking I'd go for a quick walk."  
  
Lily didn't say anything but Sirius gaped at his friend. "It's below freezing outside," he said incredulously. "Are you mad?"  
  
"No," Remus replied coolly. "I just need to clear my head is all." He threw his jacket on over his sweater and flung open the door. The winter wind blasted his face like a gun, but he held fast to his idea of a walk and started to trudge down the drive and turned right once he got to the sidewalk. There was no snow blowing in the air, which made it easier to see than if it were snowing outside. He walked for what seemed like hours, his mind filled with one confusing thought after another. He couldn't help recalling the different way he had looked at Kat after Sirius had informed him that they were more than friends. It was almost as if she was a traitor and it scared Remus to experience these feelings. He only wanted his friends to be happy; so why did he feel so incredibly lousy?  
  
He came to rest at the local park and sat on a swing (after clearing it off with his wand), pushing himself back and forth slowly, staring at the ground. There were still bits of sand showing between the tufts of snow and Remus kicked angrily at the snow with his foot. It shouldn't snow in England, he reasoned. Sure, it was pretty while it fell, but when a person had to walk through it for any length of time, it tended to get too cold for comfort.  
  
"Busy?"  
  
The voice made him jump out of his thoughts and he looked up to see Kat standing in front of him, holding out a pair of gloves. "Thought you might be cold," she explained, clearing off the swing beside him and sitting down. "And I brought you one of Mrs. Evans' turkey sandwiches," she said gesturing to her coat pocket, "so if you're hungry, let me know."  
  
Remus didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It upset him that none of the friends he had for the past six years had trucked through the cold and the snow to come and see him, yet he was touched by Kat's kind gesture. She obviously did care, to some extent, or she just really like the cold winter weather and judging by the way she was shivering, that wasn't too likely.  
  
"Want my jacket?" Remus offered, watching Kat shiver in the cold. "I'm not that cold, really."  
  
She stared at him before breaking into a smile and Remus admired the way her lips slightly puckered before breaking into a huge grin. "I'm okay," she replied, "but thanks anyway." They were silent for a few more minutes and Remus desperately searched for a topic to discuss.  
  
"Sirius said you seemed upset when you were unpacking," Kat said suddenly, unable to take her eyes off the ground. "Something bothering you?"  
  
Here was his chance. He could tell Kat how incredibly and truly wonderful she was and how lucky she made him feel just by knowing her. He could tell her that he wanted to spend every waking moment with her, feel her beside him every day. But his mouth wouldn't speak the words. Instead, he shook his head like a fool, indicating that nothing was bothering him.  
  
Suddenly Kat was staring at him as though he were under scrutiny. He refused to look at her for fear of what she might see in his eyes. As though she had read his mind, she said, "You're eyes are like a window into your soul, do you know that?"  
  
"I guess that's a bad thing," he replied.  
  
"Not always," she said, kicking back and swinging higher on the swing now that the wind had died away. "Sometimes it's a good thing. It lets people see things in us that we don't want to convey."  
  
"Sirius told me about you two," he blurted out, feeling relieved. He was horrified that he had actually said it but was glad to get it off his chest. He had only known for less than an hour, but it was already acting as a weight in his chest, threatening to drown him if he didn't release it soon.  
  
Kat continued to swing. "What about us?" she asked unconcerned.  
  
Remus swallowed hard. "About how you were planning on sneaking up to the attic tonight after Lily's parents were asleep." Now he really couldn't look her in the eye but he noticed that her movement on the swing had ceased.  
  
"What?" she asked steadily.  
  
"He said that you were going to sneak up to see him and Lily was going to sneak into see James and I could sleep in Lily's extra bed." He paused, hoping she wouldn't get mad at him for butting into her business. Instead, he was puzzled to hear her laugh heartily.  
  
"That's what he thinks, does he?" she asked, beginning to swing again, higher and higher as though each new motion took all the bad things and washed them away. "Well, won't he be sorely disappointed when I fail to show up?"  
  
Remus' heart leapt. "You mean you were never planning on sneaking up there?"  
  
She laughed again and oh, how her laughter sounded like gentle music. "Of course not," she said. "Only in his dreams, I suppose." Suddenly her voice became serious. "You see," she said slowly, "Sirius thinks he has a chance with me, but he really doesn't. Oh, I like him fine as a friend," she added, "but not as anything more than that."  
  
"Does he know this?" Remus asked, his heart singing.  
  
"I've told him time and time again," she informed him, "but I think Sirius only hears what he wants to hear. Reality doesn't quite sink in so well for him, does it?"  
  
Remus shook his head, feeling immensely guilty at the happy feelings that were flowing through him at the moment. He didn't want his friends to get hurt, but he couldn't help but feel happy that Sirius wasn't getting everything Sirius wanted for once. For as long as he could remember, Sirius and James had always gotten everything: the girls, the fame, and the Quidditch talent. And Remus Lupin had always been the brain behind it all. But now, there was something that Sirius wanted and couldn't have handed to him on a platter. As much as Remus adored his friends, he couldn't help but smile all the way back to the house, eating the turkey sandwich that Kat had brought along for him. He felt thrilled to have her walking so close to him and could smell the perfume that she wore. It was a beautiful scent and he knew he would never forget it as long as he lived. 


	5. Christmas

Lily ordered that the entire group go Christmas shopping the next day. "There's only one day left until Christmas!" she chided that morning at breakfast. "We need to get our shopping done as soon as possible."  
  
Sirius groaned. "You mean I actually have to buy presents for you people?" he asked. "What a bunch of rubbish."  
  
James sighed heavily. "I guess that means I'll have to return the gift I already bought for you," he said, a small smile playing on his lips. Sirius' eyes grew wide.  
  
"I'll be good," he swore.  
  
The sound of footsteps in the hallway drew the group's attention to the kitchen doorway where a thin, bony woman stood, with black hair and steely grey eyes. She was smiling at someone behind her but stopped and gasped when she saw the group surrounded around the table.  
  
"Oh," Lily said, obviously uncomfortable. "Everyone, this is my sister, Petunia. Petunia, this is...everyone." An awkward silence followed and Sirius was the first one to speak up.  
  
"Hello!" he chirped. Petunia gave a short little gasp and jumped backwards into the burly boy behind her. He gave a startled little cry and they trampled over each other to get out of the kitchen as fast as they could. Sirius snorted. "Was it something I said?"  
  
Lily groaned. "That was Vernon Dursley, Petunia's boyfriend," she explained. "She often spends the night at his house and comes home early in the morning."  
  
"Your parents have no problem with that, yet they won't let any of us sleep on the same landing?" Sirius inquired.  
  
"Petunia's viewed as a lot more responsible than I am," Lily informed them sadly. "It's not that my parents don't trust me but I guess they figure Petunia's already a lost cause so they shouldn't worry themselves over it." A huge grin spread across her face and she burst out laughing a moment later. "Now where are we going to shop today?"  
  
Remus was thrilled when they boarded the Underground and Kat made certain to sit next to him. They chatted about their families Christmas traditions while Sirius and James spent much of their time laughing and poking fun at the others on the train.  
  
"Look at that guy's hat!" Sirius crowed with delight as a man with a feathery hat got on the train. "Looks like he scalped a bird to get it!"  
  
"And that lady's dress!" James cried in delight, pointing at a heft woman wearing a flower-print dress. "Somewhere in London a house is missing wallpaper!"  
  
"Stop it!" Lily hissed. "You two are terrible!" But there was a grin threatening to explode onto her face, although she declined to join in on the fun.  
  
London was busy with last minute Christmas shoppers but the five of them managed to do their shopping and meet up within two hours to head back to Lily's. "Why don't we walk around London for a bit?" Kat asked dreamily, staring up at all the glittering lights lining the walks. "It's so beautiful here when it snows."  
  
Sirius stared blankly at her. "London, beautiful?" he asked. "I have to ask, Kat, what kind of medication are you on?"  
  
"I think she's right," Remus agreed, smiling at Kat. "There is a certain inner beauty about London, despite all the strange people." A man walked by him, muttering to himself and jumping at every sound.  
  
"You can't touch my cardboard box!" he cried at James who immediately hid behind Lily. "It'll eat you!"  
  
On their way back to the Underground, Lily stopped short. "Oh no," she groaned. Following her gaze, the others saw Severus Snape, a fellow classmate from Hogwarts, sauntering across their path, completely unaware of their presence. "Be good," she begged as Sirius grinned and pulled up his collar. He walked towards Snape and Lily hid her face from the sight.  
  
"Well, Snivellus, I don't remember permitting you to enter London," Sirius sneered. Snape jumped at the sound of his voice and immediately reached into his jacket to draw for his wand before remembering where he was. "What's the matter?" Sirius continued. "Afraid to do a little man to man fighting without your wand?"  
  
Snape grimaced. James was standing behind Sirius, a look of pride on his face. "Go ahead," Sirius continued to goad. "Hit me; I dare you."  
  
Snape continued to glare, but turned to walk away. Sirius laughed and watched him go. "Knew he wouldn't have the guts in him," he said before trailing away. Lily looked positively furious as she started after Sirius and refused to speak to him the entire way back to her house.  
  
Remus had gone directly up to the attic when they arrived back at the Evans' house to stuff his things back in his trunk. He was startled to hear a female voice behind him and jumped.  
  
"Don't let me scare you," Kat said, coming into the room, smiling. "Sorry," she apologized when she saw that he had jumped a foot in the air. Looking around, she nodded to herself. "Nice attic," she said and Remus had to agree. It had a sloping roof and was dusty in one corner, but other than that it was rather nice.  
  
"I like it," he agreed, suddenly feeling very aware that he had nothing to say at the moment. He had always found talking with Kat to be an easy task but now, alone in an attic with her, he wondered whatever made him think that way.  
  
Kat took the liberty of sitting down on the foot of Sirius' bed, which hadn't been made yet from that morning. She stared at Remus, which made him feel more uncomfortable, and he began shifting his weight from one foot to the next. Why was she staring at him like that? What did she want? Why did she come up here? Was there something she wanted to say or did she just want someone to talk to?  
  
"Sirius can be mean," she said finally, flipping a strand of hair out of her face. "I mean, he didn't really have to provoke Snape like that, did he?"  
  
Remus breathed a sigh of relief for the conversation. "Sirius and Snape don't exactly get along," he advised her. "They never have. I'm not quite sure why." The conversational tone was coming back to him easier now. "In fact, Sirius once almost got Snape killed when he..." He stopped speaking as soon as he realized he had been about to reveal his secret. He couldn't tell Kat that Sirius had encouraged Snape to go through the Whomping Willow to discover where he, James and Peter followed Remus every month to the shack in Hogsmeade. Then he would have to explain to Kat why they were going there in the first place. "When he was being an idiot," he finished lamely.  
  
Kat continued to stare at him, as though she was trying to determine something. "There's a quality about you," she said slowly, standing up, "something that I can't quite put my finger on." She stepped up close to him so that their eyes were level and he could smell the sweet scent of her perfume again. "Something that's intriguing, something you don't want to reveal to me just yet." She was so close; he could see every fleck in her blue eyes. "I want you to know that I'm your friend," she said, heading for the staircase. "Always will be." She disappeared into the shadows of the steps and Remus breathed a sigh of relief. At least he thought it was relief. Maybe it was disappointment. He had thought, for a very brief second, that Kat Lawson was going to kiss him.  
  
Petunia didn't show hide nor hair until supper that night when she poked her head into the kitchen and let out a tiny squeal of fright. "Don't be silly, Petunia," her father ordered, grabbing her arm and heaving her gently into the kitchen. "These are Lily's friends," he stressed, obviously unaware of the animosity Lily and Petunia shared. "They won't bite."  
  
"Moony might," Sirius whispered under his breath and Remus kicked him under the table. "Ow!" Sirius cried, drawing everyone's attention to him. "Bit my tongue," he offered, giving Remus a sharp look.  
  
Petunia sat down tentatively at the table, in between her mother and father. Completely on guard as to whether or not one of the others might attack her, Petunia ate quickly and then hurried back upstairs. "Friendly, isn't she?" Remus asked, sarcasm filling his voice. Lily only laughed.  
  
"After dinner, let's go outside and build snowmen," she said, sitting back in her chair. "I haven't done that since I was little."  
  
"Liar," Kat teased. "We built one in our second year at Hogwarts."  
  
"I meant here, at home," Lily explained. "It's kind of boring, building one by yourself."  
  
No one bothered to ask why Petunia never helped her.  
  
After the dinner dishes had been done, the five friends trooped outside to the snow covered ground. Immediately Sirius dropped and began rolling around in the cold substance, crying out his dropping body temperature.  
  
"Idiot," James sneered, yanking him back to his feet. "Get out of the snow, then." He turned and rolled his eyes towards Lily who couldn't stop laughing. Between the five of them, they managed to build a massive snowman and Sirius used his wand to make the snowman cheer, "Have a happy holiday!"  
  
Lily quickly blew the spell away, hissing, "Remember Sirius, you're in a Muggle town; people will think they've gone crazy if they see a chattering snowman!"  
  
"Frosty!" Remus said. "Reminds me of Frosty the Snowman, the Christmas carol."  
  
"You're right," Sirius said with a smile and he began dancing around the snowman, singing Frosty's carol at the top of his lungs. He tried jabbing the snowman with his wand again but Lily caught him and confiscated it inside her own jacket.  
  
"You can have it back when we get inside," she warned him. "And don't think you can run around jinxing things in there either; if Petunia saw one of her dollhouse dolls talking, I'm sure it would do her in for good."  
  
Christmas morning arrived with Sirius bounding down the staircase like a small child. "Christmas!" he cried to anyone who would listen. "It's Christmas, everyone! Wake up!"  
  
Remus stirred sleepily, hearing Sirius' cries from downstairs. He rolled over to face Sirius' empty bed and reflected on the night when Kat had been sitting there, looking exceptionally beautiful. He closed his eyes and imagined the way she had come up to him, telling him he was intriguing. "I would like to learn more about you," Kat said to him. "I would really like to learn more."  
  
"Get up or I'll drop you in the snow!"  
  
Sirius' cry of warning caused Remus to jump from his dream. He opened his eyes only to stare into Sirius' face. "Don't do that!" he muttered, sitting up slowly to avoid a massive head rush. "You nearly scared me to death."  
  
"Sorry mate," Sirius said unapologetically. "But it's time to get up. Quit dreaming about Kat and get a move on!" He gave Remus a very obvious wink and bounded back down the staircase, laughing manically. Remus continued to sit on his bed, wondering how in the world Sirius could have known about his dream. Shoving the questions off until a later date, he dressed quickly and hurried down the stairs after Sirius, who hadn't bothered to change out of his nightclothes.  
  
The only one absent in the living room was Petunia. "She refuses to be in the middle of so many witches and wizards," Lily said with a heavy sight. "Mum and Dad are a little upset, but they're taking her gifts up to her later. I, on the other hand, am not at all perturbed by her decision to stay locked in her room." Lily grinned wildly. "The less Petunia, the better."  
  
It had been a glorious morning. Kat had given everyone loads of Muggle candy she had bought in London. Sirius remained wary of the chocolate covered cherries and grimaced each time he bit into one as though he expected it to bite him back. Lily had given each of them a book dedicated to the subject they enjoyed most. Remus flipped through his Fighting Dark Arts book fondly, but James made a face.  
  
"I appreciate the thought, Lil," he said, flipping through his own Quidditch book, "but I really don't fancy reading all that much."  
  
"I'll teach you how when we get back to school," Lily teased. "But for now, if you tap your wand on the page, the players in the pictures demonstrate everything that's written on the page."  
  
While James enjoyed his newfound toy, Remus approached Kat and thanked her for the gift. "My pleasure," she answered, flashing him a genuine smile.  
  
"I wasn't quite sure what you liked but Lily said you enjoyed shopping at Quills & Stuff in Diagon Alley so I got you a gift certificate from there," he said hurriedly, handing her an envelope.  
  
"I do like shopping there," she assured him. "Thanks very much."  
  
And as if the whole scene wasn't awkward enough, Sirius cried out, "Look! Remus and Kat are standing under mistletoe!"  
  
Sure enough, there was a mistletoe plant hovering above their heads and Remus suspected that Sirius' wand might be playing a part. "Now you two have to kiss," Sirius ordered, grinning madly.  
  
As though he were up in his bed, still dreaming, Kat leaned forward and kissed Remus' cheek gently. "Happy?" she asked coolly, turning back to Sirius.  
  
"Completely satisfied," Sirius replied with a calm smile. Remus, however, was burning up with embarrassment. Kat didn't seem to notice or let the events faze her in any way as she bustled after Mrs. Evans to help cook breakfast. Mr. Evans joined them shortly afterwards while James and Sirius hurried upstairs to change.  
  
When Remus looked up next, Lily was approaching him. Searching desperately for a way to avoid discussing what had just happened, he blurted, "It was nice of your parents to let us all stay here."  
  
Lily shrugged and threw herself down on the sofa beside him. "They love magic," she explained simply. "They were thrilled when I got my Hogwarts letter a few years back and even more thrilled when I asked to bring a witch and three wizards home with me for the holidays."  
  
Remus nodded, deciding that the Evans' might not like him so much if they discovered he was a werewolf. He fingered the material of the sweater that Mrs. Evans had knitted him for Christmas and decided that he would do his best to ensure that they never found out his secret.  
  
Lily noticed his actions and said, "She began knitting that sweater as soon as I asked her to bring you guys here for Christmas. She made others similar to it for James, Sirius and Kat." She leaned back on the sofa. "Knitting takes longer without magic."  
  
"It was nice of her to do so," Remus said. "I really appreciate it. Sometimes these types of gifts are the ones that really mean something."  
  
It was Lily's turn to nod. "So you like Kat?" she asked after a few moments of silence.  
  
"She's nice, yes," Remus answered, feeling his heart begin to pound beneath his chest softly. "She seems like a really nice girl."  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. "I know she's nice, silly, but do you LIKE her?"  
  
Remus felt the blood rush to his face. "What makes you say that?" he asked, realizing it wasn't the best defense retaliation but his mind had gone blank.  
  
Lily gave him a knowing glance. "It's in the way you look at her," she told him softly, "like it's only the two of you in the entire universe. We've all noticed it.."  
  
So that was why Sirius had winked at him that morning. As though Lily had read his mind, she said, "Sirius likes Kat, too—I'm sure you've noticed—but he'd rather you be with her than him because we all know how hard it is for you to find a girlfriend...and Kat really likes you."  
  
"She likes me? She actually said that?"  
  
Lily winced. "Well, she's never actually said it but it's in the way she speaks about you and I can tell; I'm her best friend."  
  
"Then why doesn't she say something?" Remus asked aloud in frustration.  
  
"Why don't you?" Lily shot back. "Kat may seem outgoing and all, Remus, but when it comes to relationships, she's not the first to make a move."  
  
These thoughts followed Remus all throughout the day. 'Do or die,' he kept repeating to himself but he couldn't find a moment alone with Kat. He had never been the one to initiate any kind of relationship; Sirius and James were the ones who spoke to Remus first. It was hard enough to make friends as a werewolf, let alone start up a relationship with the girl that made his knees go weak. 


	6. Truth and Answers

They went back to school on the third of January after thanking Mr. and Mrs. Evans repeatedly for having them. After boarding the train and choosing a compartment, Lily, James and Sirius all hurried off to find other classmates, leaving Kat and Remus alone for the first time since Christmas Day. Remus knew that was exactly why they had left and he didn't know whether to thanks them or kick them for it.  
  
"Glad to be going back?" Kat asked and Remus was surprised how calm and unnerved she appeared to be.  
  
"I guess so," he replied, "although I enjoyed being at Lily's house. It was great of her parents to take us all in for the holidays."  
  
Kat nodded, breaking into a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans that she had pulled out of her bag. After offering some to Remus, she said, "Lily's parents embrace anything magical. They were so excited when Lily got her Hogwarts letter, it was as if they were going instead of her."  
  
"Yeah, Lily told me," Remus said aloud while his brain rattled, 'Does she like me? Should I ask her out?'  
  
They were quiet for several moments while Kat chewed in silence. Finally, Remus said, "I heard there's a Hogsmeade village visit coming up on Valentine's Day. Would you like to go with me?"  
  
Looking taken aback, Kat nodded slowly. "As a date?" she asked, swallowing an Every Flavor Bean.  
  
Remus swallowed hard. "If you want."  
  
She smiled at him. "It's a date then."  
  
The world suddenly looked brighter as they approached Hogwarts. A new year, a new girlfriend, a new look on life; what more could Remus ask for? Possibly his friends to stop teasing him after lights out had been ordered and the four of them lay in darkness. Sirius and James had learned the news from Lily and wasted no time in telling Peter the news. Peter only grinned bashfully and said, "Kat's a pretty girl."  
  
"She's off the market," Sirius boomed at Peter. "And Remus will kick your ass if you try and take her!"  
  
"Grow up, Padfoot," James said into the darkness. It was nearing two in the morning and classes were starting early. "Go to sleep and we'll finish teasing Moony tomorrow, alright?"  
  
Sirius agreed sullenly and was asleep in less than ten minutes. The soft, regular breathing of James and Peter followed until Remus was certain he was the only one awake. Staring at the ceiling, he felt a twinge of excitement flood through his body; he had a date with Kat Lawson! How exciting! He wasn't sure what they were going to talk about for hours alone but conversation seemed to come easy with Kat. Remus could only hope for the best, anyway.  
  
Valentine's Day approached quickly and before Remus knew it, he was dressing on the morning of the fourteenth of February. He and Kat hadn't had much time to talk since they returned from Christmas break but they smiled and said hello to one another whenever they passed in the halls. The homework was piling up for the NEWTs that were taking place in June and every seventh year wanted to be prepared for a good grade.  
  
Remus met Kat outside the Gryffindor common room at eleven that morning. "Hello," she greeted him, taking his arm immediately and practically dragging him down the stairs. "We're a little late because of me, so we'll have to hurry." She rushed him out to the courtyard where they followed the rest of the students down the hill and across the paths to the tiny little village. Lily and James passed by them, grinning, and Sirius was chasing after some girl while Peter lagged behind.  
  
"We have quite the incredible group of friends," Kat said softly, watching James and Lily ahead of them. "And I think those two will be the first to get married."  
  
"First?" Remus felt a smile spreading across his face. "Are there others in our group you think will get married?"  
  
Kat looked serious for a moment. "I don't know," she said slowly. "Anything's possible. And I mean, Sirius and Peter are such a cute couple, don't you agree?"  
  
Remus burst out laughing. "Good point," he said as they began passing by the shops on the main street of Hogsmeade. "Very good point. So, where do you want to go first?"  
  
They spent the day, traveling from one shop to the next, meeting up with Sirius and Peter, who had eaten so much sugar they were literally jumping down the street. James and Lily had yet to be seen but Sirius seemed to be under the impression that they went to the shack on the other side of Hogsmeade.  
  
"That's supposed to be haunted, isn't it?" Kat asked. "Andie Thompson told me that none of the Hogwarts ghosts will go near there because it's so haunted."  
  
Remus kept quiet while Sirius shot him furtive looks. "Tell her," he mouthed angrily. "Just tell her."  
  
But Remus couldn't bring himself to do it. He had just discovered that Kat actually liked him; he wanted to let that settle in before he sprung it on her that he was a werewolf. Sirius, on the other hand, didn't see things that way and was able to drag Remus aside for a moment while Kat was window shopping.  
  
"You're going to have to tell her sooner or later," Sirius reasoned. "I don't know why you're holding off."  
  
"Because!" Remus spat. "I don't want to scare her away. Maybe if she gets to know me for the person that I am, then she won't be as terrified when she learns that I'm a werewolf!"  
  
Sirius' eyes grew sympathetic. "I can understand how you must be feeling," he said, "but she's going to be more hurt if in ten years' time, you say, 'Oh, yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you but I turn into a werewolf once a month.'"  
  
Remus buried his head in his hands. "Don't push me, please," he begged. "Just let me enjoy this day."  
  
Sirius backed away, his hands in the air. "Your wish, my command."  
  
And Remus did enjoy the day with Kat. She was absolutely delightful in every way: polite, charming, funny, intelligent; she turned out to be the most perfect girl Remus had ever known and he was sad when they began heading back to the castle. "I really enjoyed myself today," he told her as they passed through the great doors. "I really did have fun."  
  
"Me, too," Kat replied, smiling genuinely. "I really loved Zonko's; I think that place is pure genius." They were quickly approaching the Gryffindor common room and Remus felt that the date was coming to an end. "Thanks for asking me," Kat said, turning to head up the staircase that would take her to her dormitory. He looked deep into her truthful, honest eyes and sighed heavily.  
  
'Kiss her!' rattled the voice inside his brain. 'Just kiss her!' But overriding that voice was Sirius', telling him to be honest with Kat and to tell her the truth. "Can I see you later tonight after supper?" he blurted out. "We'll meet here in the common room?"  
  
Kat looked surprised. "Sure," she answered. "Eight o'clock okay?"  
  
He nodded. "Fine."  
  
"See you at dinner," she said, smiling at him once more and turning to go up the stairs. Remus battled with himself all the way to his own dormitory. It wasn't fair to keep playing these games with Kat, pretending he was a normal guy. Sure, she would probably run from him when she learned the truth but it was better it happened now than in the future, like Sirius had predicted. He loved every inch of Kat's existence; he didn't want to hurt her or lie to her anymore.  
  
As it turned out, both Kat and Remus became occupied with other friends during supper and turned to conversations about their holidays without getting to see each other. As promised, Remus waited for Kat in front of the Gryffindor fireplace. She arrived at two minutes to eight, bearing nothing but smiles. "Out for a moonlit stroll?" she questioned.  
  
That gave Remus the opening that he needed. "Kat, there's something I have to tell you," he began, "but it isn't going to be easy. Please, be patient."  
  
Kat sat down in the armchair on the other side of the fireplace and leaned back, looking at him with interest. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for what was to come. "Remember when you said there was something intriguing about me? Well, you were more than right. There is something about me that sets me apart from others. There's something beneath the surface that will forever mark me as someone different, someone odd, someone strange." Another steadying breath filled the air around him. "I'm a werewolf." He closed his eyes and prepared for her flight from the chair, but when he opened his eyes again, she was kneeling in front of him. Slowly, her face moved towards his and she kissed his lips with such a gentle passion that it stole the breath from his body. He felt every part of his being come alive with a sensation he had only dreamed of before and when the kiss broke, his eyes remained closed.  
  
"Did I ever tell you that I like you for who you are?" she asked him softly, not wanting to break the spell of the moment. "Not for what you are, but for who you are; what makes you unique. I like you for your compassion and your strength and your honesty."  
  
He finally opened his eyes to face her. "You don't care if I run around once a month as a werewolf? I could be a danger to you, Kat!"  
  
She shushed him with a look and leaned forward to kiss him again. The same electrifying feeling as before shot through Remus' mind. She pulled back from him gently and said, "I get dangerous once a month, too," with a smile.  
  
Feeling as though a weight had been lifted from his chest for a second time in three months, he bid his goodnight to Kat, not wanting the evening to end so soon. He knew she was tired, as was he; all the fresh air caused him to feel drowsy. But he longed to tell her how much he appreciated her understanding and how he admired her for not running away. He couldn't express the feelings that arose in him when she told him that she didn't care what he was, as long as he had the qualities that made him unique. He went to bed feeling as if he were floating on a cloud. 


	7. Spring Elation

Spring arrived with a gentle breeze in the air that made Remus Lupin think of warmer days that were to come. The homework had been piling up with revisions of what was expected to come up on the NEWT tests, yet Remus still made time to be with his beloved Kat. Day after day, they would meet in the library or the Gryffindor common room to talk about what was going on in their lives and sometimes study for their upcoming tests.  
  
"What are your plans for the summer?" Kat asked Remus one evening after classes had finished.  
  
"Relaxing," Remus answered automatically, flashing her a brief smile. "Yourself?"  
  
"Same," Kat replied. "Although there is this Defense class the Ministry is holding for the dark arts." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "It came up in light of those recent events with Voldemort and how he killed twelve wizards, four witches and eight Muggles all in one attack."  
  
Remus nodded sadly; he knew of those attacks all too well. The news had been plastered all over the newspapers less than two weeks ago. "Such a tragedy," he overheard Professor Dumbledore telling Professor McGonagall. "He's got to be stopped; this is utter madness."  
  
McGonagall had agreed but Remus felt a flair of anger rise up inside of him at every mention of the Dark Lord. What he was doing was wrong, there was no doubt. Why couldn't the Ministry stop him? In retaliation, Remus began studying harder for his exams, determined to get the best marks so that he could go on to become an Auror and fight against the dark side.  
  
NEWTs were set to begin in the second week of June. Lily looked especially worried as she crammed heavily for every exam. She forced James and Sirius to go over practice questions with her, but Sirius refused after she had become nervous during a practical examination practice question and almost expanded Sirius' head to the size of a pumpkin.  
  
"You're insane!" he cried, storming upstairs to the boys' dormitory. "Absolutely, utterly insane!"  
  
"I'm sorry!" Lily cried up the staircase tearfully. "I didn't mean to. I'm just so nervous!" She collapsed on the stone steps in a flurry of tears and James tried his best to comfort her without luck. "I don't want to fail," Lily blubbered onto James' shoulder. "I don't want to be held back to redo this year without all my friends!"  
  
"Don't worry," James said cheerfully. "Sirius will probably fail, too."  
  
This comment did not help Lily and Kat took over the comfort zone while James sat in stunned silence. "What did I say?" he finally asked Remus, who shrugged indifferently.  
  
By supper, Lily seemed to have forgotten all about her arguments with Sirius and James and sat with Kat, happily reciting the uses of Patchouli Oil in Potion making. When she recited all of them successfully, she punched the air in joy. "I'm going to pass," she repeated to herself. "I'm going to pass."  
  
"Told you so," James said and Lily stuck her tongue out at him.  
  
Remus tried to plan as many romantic evenings as possible for Kat and himself, but it wasn't easy seeing as he couldn't be out in the moonlight when it was full. Instead, he compensated by having picnics under the stars of the Great Hall ceiling. "This was a great idea," Kat told him one night towards the beginning of June. "I really need this to take my mind off exams."  
  
Remus couldn't agree more. "We'll still see each other in the summer, won't we?" he asked.  
  
For a brief moment, he thought he saw a flicker of doubt behind Kat's eyes. But then she broke into her usual smile. "Of course, silly," she said, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "Do you think I'm going to fall off the face of the earth?"  
  
Remus shook his head. "Just making sure," he said slowly. "You really mean a lot to me, Kat." It had been on his mind lately to tell Kat the thing he had known for months now: he loved her. He was so in love with her that he couldn't concentrate on his daily routine. He thought about her all during classes and while he studied in the common room. He thought about her while he was sleeping and during mealtimes in the Great Hall. She was the last thing that he thought about before he drifted off to sleep and the first thing he thought of when he awoke. It was nice to find a girl to care for him like he cared for her, despite his condition. He knew that a love like this could only come once in a lifetime. But he was scared to tell her and kept putting it off.  
  
NEWTs began shortly afterwards and the students collapsed in their common rooms after every one. Lily chattered animatedly for hours after the exam ended, mainly asking what the others got for certain questions and then interrupting herself to answer before the others could even form responses in their heads. Remus felt that Kat was distancing herself from him for some reason, but he couldn't figure out why. He had made plans of having another picnic in the Great Hall after they finished their last NEWTs to tell her that he loved her but with each passing day, he got the feeling that she was trying to avoid him.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked as he cornered her one day after their Transfiguration NEWT. "Why are you avoiding me?"  
  
Her eyes darted away from him, but soon returned to his face, brimming with excitement. "I'm not avoiding you," she assured him. "Where would you get an idea like that?"  
  
He shrugged, feeling rather silly. "It just feels like you don't want to talk to me anymore," he said softly and Kat laughed.  
  
"Don't be silly," she said, kissing his lips gently. He pressed her to him harder, wanting every part of her to be with him. He didn't want her mind to wander any place else, but to concentrate on him and only him. When she broke away from him, he said, "Will you meet me after our last NEWT tomorrow?"  
  
"Defense Against the Dark Arts?" she asked. "I think I can do that." She grinned and patted his hand gently. "And I'm not avoiding you," she reassured him once more. "Never think that, not in a million years."  
  
"Meet me in the Great Hall tomorrow after Defense!" he called down the hall after her as she hurried away. She waved her hand to acknowledge she had heard him and blew him a kiss before she disappeared into a classroom. Feeling satisfied with her explanation, he headed off to his own classroom for practice.  
  
After the Defense Against the Dark Arts NEWT ended the next day, Remus hurried to the Gryffindor Tower to change and get ready for their romantic picnic. It would be the last of this year and he was dreading being apart from Kat for so long during the summer. She had promised to meet him during the summer several times, but he didn't want to risk that chance for too long. Given her latest attitudes, he wasn't sure what to expect from this night.  
  
The night was beautiful outside, casting a clear, starry night in the Great Hall. Remus handed Kat a bottle of Butterbeer on their blanket that he set out on the floor and they clinked the bottles together. "To us," Kat said wisely, taking a drink out of her bottle. Setting it down on the floor, she stared dreamily at him. "What's it like?" she asked.  
  
"What's what like?" Remus repeated, shaking his head to rid his mouth of the immediate aftertaste of the Butterbeer.  
  
"Running around as a werewolf?"  
  
He paused. This wasn't the exact topic he planned on discussing this night but he decided to humor her. "Pretty dreadful," he told her. "More so than you would think."  
  
She looked stunned. "Really? I would have thought it was somewhat great, having that power over people."  
  
Remus stared at her. "Not exactly," he said, a smile playing on his lips. "Not quite. In fact, it's pretty boring. By the way," he added quickly before she could interrupt him with further questions, "I want to thank you for accepting me as I am. It really means a lot to me."  
  
"Well, I like you for who you are," she told him, holding his hands close to her heart. "I've always liked you for who you are and nothing can change that."  
  
This was his chance. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "There's something I've wanted to tell you for the past few weeks," he said. "Kat, these past few months have been nothing short of perfect. You are the best girlfriend anyone could hope for and I am so lucky that I've found you. I love you for everything you are, everything you want to be and everything you've become. I love you for accepting me as I am and not wanting to change me. I love the way you laugh, the way you smile, the way you look at me. I love everything about you, Kat."  
  
She was quiet for a moment, tracing the blanket pattern with the tip of her finger. "Are you saying you love me?" she teased.  
  
"Do you think?" he retorted playfully. She looked up and there was so much emotion in her eyes that Remus didn't think he would be able to stand it. It wasn't necessarily good emotion, however. There was a sort of pain, inflicted behind her usual warm gaze. A pain that Remus was afraid to see. It wasn't right for a girl like Kat to be suffering inside and not be able to tell someone.  
  
"Are you alright?" he asked her, suddenly concerned for her well being. She looked tired, as though she had been fighting something all day. Wearily, she nodded her head.  
  
"I'm fine," she said and it seemed to Remus as though she was avoiding responding to his confessions of love. His heart began to pound as he searched for a subtle way to bring around the subject again. He hated to think that he had poured his heart out for Kat to view and then have her completely ignore his feelings. It hurt to think that she would do that. But before he had much more of a chance to examine her reaction, she leaned forward and kissed him gently. When they broke apart, she was looking a little livelier. "I love everything about you, too," she told him, nestling her head close to his chest. He looked up at the sky above, thanking his lucky stars that he had found Kat Lawson.  
  
The graduation ceremony was held outdoors underneath the trees by the lake. The wind was whistling gently through the trees as Dumbledore pronounced the class of nineteen seventy-two officially graduated from Hogwarts. Beaming, Sirius led the group to the water where they splashed around for the rest of the afternoon before heading up to their dorms to finish packing for the trip home the next day. Remus took his time in packing, very unwilling to be leaving so soon; it seemed like just yesterday that the school year had started and he didn't want to spend so much time apart from his friends.  
  
"We'll see each other every week," James promised at dinner that night. "You'll see; it will be no different from now."  
  
Lily had tears in her eyes. "How am I going to live without you guys?" she asked, throwing an arm around Kat's shoulder. "Even you, Sirius," she said, turning her eyes towards him, "I'm going to miss you."  
  
"No you won't," he replied cheerfully. "I'll be at your house so much; you'll be begging to get rid of me."  
  
"Trust me," James said, making a face, "it won't take long."  
  
The train was due to leave at eleven the next morning and Remus vowed to get a good night's sleep the night before so he would be well rested for the journey back the next day. Before bed, however, he took one last look at Kat, sitting in the light of the common room fireplace, staring at the leaping flames as though she were mesmerized. There was a faint trace of a smile on her lips and one strand of her hair fell in her face loosely, making her appear more beautiful than ever. Remus went to bed, grateful to have Kat Lawson in his life. 


	8. The Final One

Back in his office at Hogwarts, Remus Lupin sighed. That was the last time he had ever seen Kat Lawson. The next day, she failed to turn up for the train back and when Dumbledore went looking for her, he returned with a funny look on his face. It wasn't until three weeks into the summer that Remus learned from a tearful Lily that Kat had gone and joined Voldemort's side.  
  
"I don't know why," Lily sobbed to him. "I really don't know why; I'll never understand it. She loved you so much!"  
  
He hoped and prayed for many years that she would return. He wrote letter after letter to her, but could never find the courage to send them. They lay scattered on his desk at this moment and he began ripping them up slowly and tossing them into the fire. It was no use; she was gone for good.  
  
When Remus came upon Sirius Black the previous night, Sirius carried with him the news that the Death Eaters had brought in twelve years ago upon capture. Kat Lawson had been killed by Voldemort himself, for reasons unknown to his followers. The only thing they found in Kat's possession in her chambers was a letter addressed to Remus Lupin. Unable to find him, Ministry officials tucked the letter away until they heard news that Remus was teaching at Hogwarts. Someone had brought the letter to him this morning, with deepest apologies.  
  
Seeing his old friend had brought back so many memories and Remus was drawn to his letters today. One after the other, he threw them in the fire, watching the Marauder's Map for any intruders. The label that read 'Harry Potter' was walking up towards his office. Continuing to shred each letter several times, he threw them into the fire. "Hello Harry," he greeted, turning around to see Harry enter his office. "I saw you coming."  
  
To say that Remus Lupin threw out every letter connected to Kat in any way would be a lie. There was one letter that had been found by the Ministry of Magic after Kat's demise and it had Remus' name on it. He carried it in his pocket as he left Hogwarts and boarded the train back to London. Almost half way there, his curiosity got the better of him and he ripped open the envelope and began to read:  
  
Dearest Remus,  
  
It's been far too long since your touch, your smile, your voice. I fear some days that I might not recognize you if I ever saw you again, but then your face pops into my head like a ray of sunshine on a dreary day and I cannot help the immense guilt that fills my soul. It is a battle that I fight daily and have since I saw you last.  
  
There is no explanation for what I have done. I was weak and the Dark Lord preys on that. He offers comforts of the utmost respect and promised me a long and prosperous life if I joined him—not as a Death Eater—but joined him at his side for all eternity. At first it was glorious; spending day after day being spoiled, pampered and waited on. If that was what life was like for the Dark Lord's mistress, I can only imagine his own lifestyle. Yet I grew weary and began to long for the days when we would gather together in the common room or outside under the trees and talk for hours on end. You were always so wonderful to talk to; so easygoing and so good natured.  
  
Nothing escapes the Dark Lord and when I revealed to him my desire to reunite with you and our old friends, he became angry with me and banished me to the highest room in his house. Luckily, I have befriended someone who, unwillingly, has agreed to have this letter delivered to you. I couldn't go without saying goodbye to you.  
  
Remus, my dearest friend, be warned: time draws nearer and more may be lost than expected. Give my deepest love to Lily, James and Sirius but beware of those who do not fit in with the scheme. He will cast the downfall.  
  
I couldn't rest in my grave without telling you that I love you. I will not ask for your forgiveness, nor will I ask for your sympathy. I ask merely for the love and understanding I know you are capable of possessing. Please show some compassion for the girl you once loved so long ago.  
  
I don't know when this will reach you, if it will reach you at all, but I hope that it finds you well. Please don't hate me for being weak; sometimes I feared it was the only thing I knew.  
  
Do take care of yourself,  
  
With love, always and forever, Kat 


End file.
